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hello world.
how do you do.
i feel like somebody's following you.
i know it's strange and a bit off course
but right now in my life i have nothing better to do.
you've given me lemons
you've given me pears
and while i've created my own enemies
you don't seem to care
you just keep on rolling
you go up and you go down
you won't stop for anything
until my time comes around
and as the hormones seep through
my veins they grow weak
i know in my heart there's nothing i can keep
i can hear their noises
i can feel their touch
but i can't respond
and again i am stuck
i want to keep going
can't you keep me here more?
i know that i'm old
my body's weak and so sore
i feel like you're cheating me
letting me go
there's so much more i can do
things people need to know
now you're not responding
just answer me this
who is that figure
that you have brought with?
it's dark and a bit blurry
but him i can see
the one i dreamt about
but never could reach
is it time now to follow you
into the light?
are you sure this is it?
are you sure this is right?
i still hear their whispers
i still feel their tears
i'm concerned about their feelings
i worry about their fears
but if you say this is it
i can tell by your face
that this is the end of
a beautiful race
i wish i could just say
one last i love you
for all of the times
those words wouldn't come through
but i know they can feel it
as my love permeates the air
i hope that they know
every minute i had cared
with that said
i know that you know
it's time and i'm ready
it's time to let go...
rip grampop<3
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| April 22, 2009
Two years later.
Um, I'm just looking back at how really cool I used to be lol.. nott.
No but for real. I'm like, the happiest person in the solar system right now. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Dave asshole is no longer a part of my life. :D I know, I didn't think it could happen either. But apparently I did have the ability to grow the fuck up and open my eyes and see him for what he really was.. lol.
Ugh some of these old posts make me wanna throwupp. I wish I could go back in time and tell younger, poor, naive bribri to tell dave that he is a fckupp who needs to fckoff and just wait for prince charming [[jonbreyy]] to come onto the scene. Because now I know exactlyy what they're talking about when they say love is patient. love is kind. it does not envy. it is not proud. it is not rude. it is not self-seeking. it is not easily angered. it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. ITALWAYSTRUSTS. always hopes. always perseveres love never fails. [1 COR 13:4-8]
anyways. so i'm gonna go watch little rascals tonight with my totally awesome new boyfriend that i plan on marrying one day. :)
okay bye! | | |
| I'm here at work again. I delete my myspace and my facebook today.. for him. I thought that maybe now he'd realize that I'm not fucking up this time. This time, I want to take it seriously. I wrote him a letter telling him everything about the way I felt.. I asked him if we could forget about everything in the past and just.. start over. I was hoping for the same response I've always gotten from him.. I was hoping for him to come back. Instead, he insists that it's over, leaving me here with the worst feeling I've felt.. ever. So this is the reason I can barely see the screen right now. It's hard to stop crying before I get another call [I'm still at work]. I'm currently being flooded by memories of him, memories of all the happiness we've ever had, and I can't help but feel like this is all my fault. If only I would have said one more thing, done one more thing, I don't know.. something. If only I would have done something else, maybe if only I was better.. he would still want to be with me. Why do all of these good feelings have to fade? What happened to forgiveness? How come I can forgive him for everything but he can't forgive me for anything? Why does he mean more to me than I do to him? God, I wish so bad that I would just wake up any second now and he would be standing there telling me that everything is going to be okay, even though I know that this is real, and everything is really not okay. And another thing, this is so lame that I have to write this over stupid xanga. Why didn't I delete this too? I was looking back on all of my previous posts.. before I fell for dave. I was so happy and complete and cool back then, and now it all feels like I can never become like that again. I do believe that dave was the one for me.. and I don't think anyone else can take his place. I can't imagine laying in the grass looking up at the stars in anyone else's arms but his. I can't imagine waking up to another face other than his, I can't imagine watching a scary movie and curling up next to anyone but him. I know he lied to me, I know he cheated, and I know all of these reasons why I shouldn't want to be with anyone else, but I don't care.. I feel like he's all I deserve, and everything I wanted. I can't get over this.. I can't do it, not by myself. I need him now more than ever, and that maybe "selfish".. but is it really selfish to ask someone to forgive them? Is it really selfish to ask someone to love someone they already love? And don't deny that. I don't want to start over with anyone else but him. Some people are saying that there is nothing in me that he shouldn't want.. and if he is acting like this there must be someone else. I can't stand the thought of that.. I don't want to think about him falling in love with anyone else, part of me wishes that that wasn't possible. He says he can't be with me because "my friends and his friends like me" well.. I don't care about any of them. I wouldn't leave dave for anyone in the world. Not even Zach Braff or that guy from the OC who's name I don't even CARE about right now because all I want is Dave. I want him to come swoop me up and save me from all of these tears and I want him to apologize for everything and just kiss me.. I want him to want me the same way. I wish more than anything, on every 11:11, on every shooting star, I wish that he wanted me too. I guess some people just don't get what they wish for. I wonder if he will forget about me. | | |
| So last night was interesting. I'm such an idiot lol. Whatever I had fun =]. I don't have a whole lot to say because I'm not really sure about how I feel right now. geyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. 
I gave my heart to you
I gave up my friends like you said i should do
put aside my smile for you
threw out my dreams if you said you didn't
approve
I gave my mind
compromised my life
just to see i'd find
you were trying to hold me back
slowly you throwing me off my track
dissapointed again
blahblahblah life goes on... st. anne's festival tonight.. ahh do you remember last year? wtf am i doing. | | |
| I'm full of questions today. I'm not going to review the events that took place last night.. just because I don't think that this particular blog should begin like that. I'm all about questions right now. My first and most important question is this; Why is limewire being a fucking retard right now? Thanks iTunes! Onward. Do you have a best friend? And by best friend I don't mean just the kind you build forts and create clubs with. I'm talking about the best friend you can run to anytime, anywhere and she will ALWAYS be there. It's like magic. Not only do you build forts and create stupid "best friend" clubs and have matching outfits and jewelry, but you stay up late on the phone, share deoderant, and the best part is.. she won't fall out of love with you. When you have that kind of relationship with someone.. you don't fuck it up. How come friendships are easier to keep together than relationships? Why are girls so much more devoted to their relationships than guys? Why is it easier for guys to fall out of love than girls? What is "young love"? and Why does it have to end? Doesn't it make us all the happiest? If something makes you happy, wouldn't you fight to keep it? I do/did. It made sense to me.. I love him, he makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, so when he treats me like shit I should just deal with it and forgive him because he would always come back. I guess that's not how love is supposed to work. According to my best friends, love is supposed to be unhurting and unconditional, all the time. According to those who must know better, if you're in a relationship that makes you feel like shit 95% of the time, if he cheats on you, if he doesn't call when he says he will, if he breaks his promises left and right, if he tells you to lose weight, if he keeps you trapped and freaks out when you talk to another member of the opposite sex, then it's not true love.. even if he keeps coming back. What is it then? If I feel like it's love but it's not, what is it then? I'm in love with a lie? That doesn't make much sense to me. It felt so real... Was he always like this and did I just choose not to believe it? Did he ever love me? I don't have answers to any of these questions. Blatantly put. I can't even give you an opinion because everytime I think about it all, I keep changing my opinion to the point where I no longer have one. I'm an outsider to this situation, or so I wish to be. I can only tell you how I feel right now. I hate myself for losing him.. I hate myself for being such a DIPSHIT. I don't feel like I'm good enough to pull through this. I feel like I wish I had never met him, I wish I had gone with my first instinct which was to stay the fuck away. I knew I would get hurt, and that's why I distanced myself at the beginning. I knew once he had my heart he wouldn't actually care anymore, so I put off giving that to him. Then I gave him everything, I worshiped the ground he walked on, and look where it got me. I'm full of broken promises and I could recite every lie by heart now. The only way I can get away from all of this is to forget about every time he made me smile. I've let him back into my heart so many times.. he has completely destroyed everything that made me who I was. I was so cool before I met him.. now I'm not even half of myself, full of insecurities, and left without a trace of confidence. And who cares? Not him, that's for damn sure. oooooooo. what if i told you it was all meant to be? | | |
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